Tuesday, November 15, 2011

My Mission

Okay, so now my mission is to write everyday.  Something, anything no matter how impressive and intellectual or how lame.  It has been a really long time and a lot has happened in my life since the last time I wrote.  I need a vehicle to express what I am feeling and I guess this is the best way!  So I went back to work, which was a more joyous occassion after not working for 16 months.  I acutally went back to work for a firm that I worked for 8 years ago.  And the minute I walked in the door, I immediately felt like I was at home.  It felt like I had never left except there were a ton of new faces.  But those faces didn't last very long.  I guess they didn't like me very much.  But that is okay, because I finally know where I am supposed to be and what I am supposed to be doing!  Too bad my mind and dreams keep allowing things to get bigger!  But that is for later.  Things were wonderful!  I was working harder than I had ever worked before and then the day after Lexie's 8th birthday BAMMMMMMM!  It hit me and I haven't been the same since.  The most horrific pain in my head that I could ever imagine.  And it didn't go away.  I ended up in the hospital for 4 days, smack in the middle of my busiest time ever at work.  How in the world could this be happening?  I worked so hard to gain back their trust and respect and now this.  SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?!?!?  What have I done in my life to deserve all of these bad things?  I just knew that they, too, were going to send me packing.  But I was proved wrong!  They were standing right beside me, wanting to make sure that I did just what the doctors said and wanting to make sure that I got better.  Not only was I in the most excruating pain that I have ever been in, in my life, but I was scared to death that I was going to be once again unemployed and once again disappointing the people that loved me the most and depended on me.  But I was continually reassured by the most amazing and caring employers that I had nothing to worry about.  4 weeks later, I returned to work but I have yet, 7 months later, returned to my old self.  My head pounds daily.  I take more pills than my 80 year old grandmother.  There are some days that are just a haze and pass without me even knowing.  I go for days and don't know or remember what has happened around me.  My 3 year old son is constantly asking "Mommy are you sick today."  It is heartbreaking!  I feel like I am missing out on my kids.  But I am on a mission to fix my head! 

Now the days that were filled with nothing but watching garbage on tv all day long, are filled with an awesome job, my family, meds that keep me functioning but still in great pain, and doctors visits.  I long for the day with my days are just filled with an awesome job and my wonderful family!  It will happen, and then I will be on another mission! 

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